April 1st – Silicon Valley, CA – In a press conference held at the Nobu Hotel in Palo Alto, California, Eric Emerson Schmidt (former Executive Chairman, Google; Technical Advisor of Alphabet Inc.) and Jeff Bezos (Founder, CEO, Amazon) announced jointly that they will be launching the world’s first ever entirely virtual wine brand.
Seated at a dais before an audience of news reporters and Silicon Valley businessmen and women, Bezos and Schmidt introduced the Davos Elite Portfolio of Fine Wines. The first release, a Cabernet Sauvignon from Napa Valley’s To Kalon Vineyard, is entirely virtual. Reporters in attendance at the press conference received a “sample” of the 2021 Davos Elite Cabernet Sauvignon; an empty bottle accompanied by virtual reality goggles with enhanced aromatherapy technology. Bezos, in a sharply ironed white shirt, opened at the neck and finely pressed blue jeans, opined that “these are the first wines that are entirely calorie free, stable, and safe for all to imbibe, even underage drinkers.” Bezos then proceeded to “open” the bottle of wine, which, in the case of the 2021 Davos Elite Cabernet Sauvignon, translated into his scanning a barcode on the bottle with his smart phone and then promptly donning the AI goggles.
Schmidt, sitting beside Bezos in a conventional suit and tie, led a digital presentation, demonstrating for the audience what the consumer will experience when “imbibing” the world’s first virtual wine. “As soon as the end user scans the code, a whole new world opens up to them virtually. They’ll find themselves out in nature, with the aromas of terroir being fed to the end user through our enhanced AI virtual goggles. They’ll then “experience” the wine, through a compelling tour of our Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response cellar and a virtual tasting hosted by one of our in-house robotic “Sense Sommeliers”. These trained professionals will instruct the end user as to what they should be tasting in a wine. What they should be experiencing and how it will enrich their lives, all without causing the body any harm.”
When asked how these virtual wines would impact farm and hospitality labor, Schmidt responded, “Listen, back in the day, farmers used to work the soil by hand. Then the tractor was invented and the farmer learned new skills. The same logic applies here. We’re not employing farm or hospitality labor for this brand. We don’t need them. If farmers are compelled to work on our brand, they can pivot over to working at a “tech” farm if you will and learn new digital skills. You either keep up with technology or it passes you by.”
The first virtual wine will retail for $75.00 a bottle. Bezos added that the Aromatherapy Enhanced Virtual Reality Davos Goggles will not be included in the shipment. “We offer the goggles through the Amazon portal and end users will be able to enter a discount code when they purchase their first bottle of Davos Elite.” The EVRD Goggles start at $400.00. “This is the first wine in the world to expand consciousness,” Bezos added. “And we won’t need to bother Mother Nature with any of it. This is the most sustainably made wine yet. And, fundamentally speaking, our 2021 Davos Elite Cabernet Sauvignon will be able to age forever.”
April Fools!!!!